Wednesday, 13 April 2011

Sports Notes

Charl Schwartzel Tak Ho the Gre Jack at the 20 Maste Tourname
Going into Sunday of this year's Masters tournament, there were two stories which were objectively the biggest.  The first was whether Tiger Woods was "on the prowl" or "in the hunt" for his 15th major championship (most experts believe he was "on the prowl", but a few big names such as Tom Kite and Nick Faldo suggested he was actually "in the hunt").  The second was 14 year old Northern Irish golf prodigy Rory McIlroy's dominance of the field up to that point, and whether or not he would have enough time following the round to finish his science fair project for Monday morning.

The Elias Sports Bureau confirms, however, that literally no one on the planet was talking about Charl Schwartzel.  Even his parents, Abbiga and Alexand Schwartzel, were more concerned about Rory and his science fair woes.  "What are they doing having that poor boy tee off so late in the day?" Abbiga asked  "A papier mache volcano needs at least twelve hours to dry.  He'll never get it done at this rate!"  She was right, of course, as the looming deadline and pressure not to disappoint his lab partner proved too much for the 8th-grader to cope with, and he quickly fell down the leader board.  No word on his grade at the science fair.
I think this is Charl Schwartzel, but can anyone ever be truly certain?

After wasting 45 minutes interviewing a busboy named Kevin whom I thought was Charl Schwartzel (let me go on record as saying that Augusta National having their busboys wear green sportcoats seems unnecessary and confusing), I did manage to ask the real Masters champion a question about his motivation going into the back nine, and this is what he said:

"I just kept thinking about [co-leaders] Adam Scott and Luke Donald," Schwartzel told me, his eyes filling with tears of rage.  "It's just so unfair, those two guys have FOUR first names between them, and I don't even have ONE!  There was no damn way I was going to let those spoiled bastards beat me!"

Masters Notes:
-Mike Weir is bad at golf.
-An Augusta official had to be called to the 8th hole on Sunday to make a ruling when PGA veteran Angel Cabrera's caddy remarked to him that "this is a big chip coming up here," and Cabrera tried to put salsa on it.  He was penalized two strokes.

Phil Simms Fatally Stabs JCPenney Employee
CBS football analyst and former NFL quarterback Phil Simms is back in the news again.  The two time Super Bowl champion - who, last month, was linked to a series of severe indian burns given to schoolchildren suspected of calling his granddaughter a "doody-head" - was arrested Sunday afternoon following an altercation at a JCPenney in Franklin, New Jersey.

Phil Simms, capo famiglia of the Simms crime syndicate.

Eyewitness reports claim that Simms and his wife Diana were shopping at the store around 1:30pm EST, and  Mrs. Simms was experiencing difficulty with zipping up the dresses she had asked the sales associate to bring to her.

"She was stretching them frocks all out," one man (who requested that his identity be kept anonymous for fear of reprisal from the 1987 Super Bowl MVP) told us.  "She looked like a sock full of jawbreakers."

When the sales associate discretely suggested that his wife "might be more comfortable in a size nine," Simms allegedly produced a corkscrew from his jacket pocket and plunged it repeatedly into the man's chest while shouting phrases that police reports allege to have been latin.  In keeping with JCPenney's strict media policy, the name of the deceased has not been made public.

This is not the first time Simms' temper and protective nature towards his family has gotten him in hot water.  In 2006, defensive back Rashad Bauman - who is best known for his 2000 interception of Simms' son Chris while playing for the University of Oregon Ducks football team - was forced to retire from the NFL after Phil Simms broke both of his femurs with a sledgehammer.  Simms received four years probation and 200 hours of community service for his part in the attack.