Wednesday, 18 June 2014

Fantasy Football Team Names: Kicker & Defense Edition

People seem to have liked the previous entries (Part 1 and Part 2), but I realize that in covering the top 50 fantasy football players I missed out on something that every team has to have: Kickers and Defense.  

To that end, please enjoy the following list of fantasy football team names featuring the top 10 kickers and top 10 D/ST options, because I am a grown man who has literally spent hours of my life to help you choose your fantasy football team name.

Finkle

Kickers:
Dan Bailey
Bailey's Irish Team
Bailey Double
Epic Bail

Mason Crosby

The Crosby Show
Mases Out!
Masonthing I'm Giving Up On You
You Crosby, There Will Be Consequences. What Part Of That Didn't You Understand?

Monday, 9 June 2014

Fantasy Football Team Names Part 2

Aaron Rodgers Celebrating with Lombardi Trophy after winning Super Bowl XLVIf you haven't read Part 1 yet, please do.  

Here is the remaining 25 players to round out the top 50 so I can help you win the only thing that actually matters in fantasy football: Funniest team name!

Friday, 6 June 2014

Fantasy Football Team Names


The hardest part about fantasy football is not the draft.  Nor is it the trades, choosing your keepers, BYE week planning or even waiver-wire hawking.  No, as every fantasy veteran knows, the hardest part of any season is deciding what to name your team.


Team names are not easy.  Team names have to be funny, clever and relevant to your roster.  In 2008 everyone raced to shoehorn a reference to dog fighting into their team names.  Last year every league had a guy who thought any combination of the words "Hernandez" and "Murder" was pure comic genius.  (If you are reading this thinking "Wait, I was the guy with the Vick and Hernandez themed team names those years, and I'm hilarious!" then I am sorry to be the one to break it to you: You aren't funny and everyone in your league hates you.)


No matter how deep your league is, there is no reason you won't end up with one of the top 50 ranked fantasy players.  As such, I'm sure you will find this list of fantasy team names for the top 50 fantasy players (that I just sat here and wasted an hour of my pointless life making up) useful:


Wednesday, 10 July 2013

Farts Dot Com

Update 7/10/2013 5:03PM EST: Within ten minutes of me tweeting this blog entry to NightFood's official twitterwww.farts.com stopped redirecting to NightFood's website.  NightFoodBar more like COWARDBAR.  ANSWER THE QUESTIONS, FARTBAR!

But don't worry, you can still see cached version on Google Cache: http://webcache.googleusercontent.com/search?q=cache:http://farts.com/ (just copy that into your web-browser) OR Archive.Org's way back machine. (Just type in www.farts.com and click "Take Me Back".  It's right there on June 30th 2013)


Thankfully - because we live in 2013 and everyone is already fully aware by now that my generation is a lost cause* - I am saved from having to write a transparent preamble where I try to give a face-saving explanation as to why I visited www.farts.com this morning.  Whatever.  I went to www.farts.com this morning, and now you should, too.

When you click the link to www.farts.com you will find that it immediately redirects to splash page for a cookies and cream flavoured dietary supplement specially designed for midnight-snacking called NightFood bars.  According to their website, these bars are a healthy late night snacking option that will improve the quality of your sleep.  The website answers questions on the product's origin, it's ingredients, has testimonials, and even offers free samples, but it leaves a lot of questions unanswered.

Question #1: Did you purchase www.farts.com to do this?
A quick look at fart-related URLs on the GoDaddy domain auction site and www.BuyDomains.com shows URLs such as StinkyFarts.com STARTING bidding at $20,000USD.

Did you pay 5 figures for www.farts.com?  Does the Stinky in StinkyFarts.com make it more desirable or less desirable?  I'm new to the world of fart-related web addresses and could use any and all information on the market that you are willing to share.


Tuesday, 18 September 2012

Handle Me At My Worst

“I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.” ― Marilyn Monroe
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------


That quote.  That fucking quote.  We have all seen it before.  From the inside of high school locker doors to the lower back tattoos of 38 year olds still clinging to the absurd notion that real men should be like Nicholas Sparks characters (and all the Facebook statuses and campus poster sales in-between), that quote is everyfuckingwhere.  I'd take a steaming load of "dance like no one's watching" all over my face ten times out of ten rather than be reminded that you're "selfish, impatient and a little insecure..." every time you have a fight with your boyfriend/girlfriend.
Ignoring the source for a minute, let us just examine the quote, shall we?
“I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle."

Thursday, 8 December 2011

Merry Christmas from Dannomack's Angels

To show you guys how much I love you, my beautiful turtle doves put together a special gift for the holidays JUST FOR YOU!

Tuesday, 22 November 2011

In Theory

In theory, the shirt I am wearing is my favourite shirt.

It is black, and therefore slimming, so it hides the love handles I inherited from my father better than hours of cardio and my war against simple carbs ever could. (While I am forever grateful for inheriting my dad's sense of humour, I really can't decide which family trait of his I am least grateful to have inherited.  Right now it is a three way tie between the love handles, the big nose, and the underwhelming penis... but in 30 years or so, I have a feeling heart disease may run away with that title.)

In theory the shirt I am wearing is my favourite shirt.

It is tight in the shoulders, chest and upper arms.  So, while the colour slims the waist, the fit makes it easier to "check my progression" every time I walk past a store window (FYI: if you don't check yourself out whenever you walk past a reflective surface, you might as well pack it in and start wearing yoga pants every day).  It also makes it easier for me to make girls spontaneously orgasm all over the sidewalk by flexing my biceps at them.  It's the little things in life.

In theory the shirt I am wearing is my favourite shirt.

It has The Beatles' Rubber Soul album cover on it in greyscale.  The Beatles have been my favourite band since I was 8, and I've never owned an iPod that didn't always have at least one Beatles song on it.  However, saying you love The Beatles is like saying you love pizza.  Of course you love The Beatles.  Everyone loves the fucking Beatles.
For some reason, though, rockists seem to think that being a fan of the biggest band in the history of bands puts them in a secret club for people with especially discerning musical tastes.  As a result, when I wear this shirt in public I am treated to all the perks that are afforded by musical elitist hipsters to one of their own (these perks include nearly undetectable nods and slightly less hateful sneers than usual.  Filthy hipsters all work in retail and spend their money on varying styles of oxblood Docs so having their respect doesn't really offer anything of actual worth or substance.  Except BJs.  They offer BJs.  BJs are of actual worth and substance.)  I also think Rubber Soul is their most underrated album (as underrated as a Beatles album ranked number 5 all time on the Rolling Stone top 500 can be at least).  White Album, Sgt Pepper's and Revolver all seem to be people's go-to favourite Beatles records, but Rubber Soul had In My Life on it.  If we were putting together a tournament to determine the greatest Beatles song ever, In My Life would be my darkhorse pick to bust everyone's brackets in the first few rounds.  In My Life is an incredible song.

In theory the shirt I am wearing is my favourite shirt.

In reality I hate this fucking shirt.  It has all those desirable qualities and yet I just don't like it.  I haven't worn it in public since the summer, and it is definitely going to be in the next batch of clothing I donate to the Salvation Army.

Last month I started a list in my phone of all the things that, in theory, I should like a lot, but in actuality hate for no real reason.  If I were to have posted the list, it would have looked like this (all sic):

Thingsihatebutshoudlove
-Rubber sould shirt.     Fuck that shirt man
-Natalie portman eh yknow just eh
-Ricky gervais that fuckr ruined talking funny
-Marilyn pillheadhomewrecking alcoholic shouldnt be your hero "love me at my worst" fuck your worst you nightmare of a human being
-Coke$$$ +   
-Blondes amanda
-zooey deschanel try playing a different characterfor once also if you dontliek the spotlight dont make millions from it dummy

Most of those were typed one-handed while driving, and I have no idea who Amanda is or why she made me decide that I hate blondes, but that's the list.  I really thought it was going to manifest iteself into a great premise for a comeback entry, then I ended up burying the lede in 600 words about this stupid shirt, and now we're done.  Stupid fucking shirt.  See how it ruins everything?