Thursday, 8 December 2011

Merry Christmas from Dannomack's Angels

To show you guys how much I love you, my beautiful turtle doves put together a special gift for the holidays JUST FOR YOU!

Tuesday, 22 November 2011

In Theory

In theory, the shirt I am wearing is my favourite shirt.

It is black, and therefore slimming, so it hides the love handles I inherited from my father better than hours of cardio and my war against simple carbs ever could. (While I am forever grateful for inheriting my dad's sense of humour, I really can't decide which family trait of his I am least grateful to have inherited.  Right now it is a three way tie between the love handles, the big nose, and the underwhelming penis... but in 30 years or so, I have a feeling heart disease may run away with that title.)

In theory the shirt I am wearing is my favourite shirt.

It is tight in the shoulders, chest and upper arms.  So, while the colour slims the waist, the fit makes it easier to "check my progression" every time I walk past a store window (FYI: if you don't check yourself out whenever you walk past a reflective surface, you might as well pack it in and start wearing yoga pants every day).  It also makes it easier for me to make girls spontaneously orgasm all over the sidewalk by flexing my biceps at them.  It's the little things in life.

In theory the shirt I am wearing is my favourite shirt.

It has The Beatles' Rubber Soul album cover on it in greyscale.  The Beatles have been my favourite band since I was 8, and I've never owned an iPod that didn't always have at least one Beatles song on it.  However, saying you love The Beatles is like saying you love pizza.  Of course you love The Beatles.  Everyone loves the fucking Beatles.
For some reason, though, rockists seem to think that being a fan of the biggest band in the history of bands puts them in a secret club for people with especially discerning musical tastes.  As a result, when I wear this shirt in public I am treated to all the perks that are afforded by musical elitist hipsters to one of their own (these perks include nearly undetectable nods and slightly less hateful sneers than usual.  Filthy hipsters all work in retail and spend their money on varying styles of oxblood Docs so having their respect doesn't really offer anything of actual worth or substance.  Except BJs.  They offer BJs.  BJs are of actual worth and substance.)  I also think Rubber Soul is their most underrated album (as underrated as a Beatles album ranked number 5 all time on the Rolling Stone top 500 can be at least).  White Album, Sgt Pepper's and Revolver all seem to be people's go-to favourite Beatles records, but Rubber Soul had In My Life on it.  If we were putting together a tournament to determine the greatest Beatles song ever, In My Life would be my darkhorse pick to bust everyone's brackets in the first few rounds.  In My Life is an incredible song.

In theory the shirt I am wearing is my favourite shirt.

In reality I hate this fucking shirt.  It has all those desirable qualities and yet I just don't like it.  I haven't worn it in public since the summer, and it is definitely going to be in the next batch of clothing I donate to the Salvation Army.

Last month I started a list in my phone of all the things that, in theory, I should like a lot, but in actuality hate for no real reason.  If I were to have posted the list, it would have looked like this (all sic):

-Rubber sould shirt.     Fuck that shirt man
-Natalie portman eh yknow just eh
-Ricky gervais that fuckr ruined talking funny
-Marilyn pillheadhomewrecking alcoholic shouldnt be your hero "love me at my worst" fuck your worst you nightmare of a human being
-Coke$$$ +   
-Blondes amanda
-zooey deschanel try playing a different characterfor once also if you dontliek the spotlight dont make millions from it dummy

Most of those were typed one-handed while driving, and I have no idea who Amanda is or why she made me decide that I hate blondes, but that's the list.  I really thought it was going to manifest iteself into a great premise for a comeback entry, then I ended up burying the lede in 600 words about this stupid shirt, and now we're done.  Stupid fucking shirt.  See how it ruins everything?

Saturday, 21 May 2011

Justin Bieber is Ready to Settle Down

In a statement liable to crash twitter, Canadian pop sensation Justin Bieber announced today that he is breaking off his much talked about relationship with singer Selena Gomez, stating that she"just doesn't have enough posters of [him] in her bedroom," and that she was occasionally a bit of a "poopy head."

I just came.

"I want a girl who already knows every minute detail of my life,"  the 12-year-old from Stratford, Ontario told me over Chips Ahoy cookies and Kool-Aid in his grandmother's rec room.  "Like, I don't want to waste any time with the boring getting to know each other junk.  I just want to meet a girl decked out from head-to-toe in my merch, who knows every word to every one of my songs, and who tweets me no fewer than 300 times a day telling me she loves me.  Like, how else am I gonna know it's true love unless she tweets #ILoveYouJustin every 4.8 minutes, y'know?  If I could find a girl like that, I'd marry her tomorrow!"

Last November, Bieber was linked romantically to the girl pictured above, however things fell apart when she turned 13 and "got really into hardcore music like My Chemical Romance."

But the famously hardworking Bieber rarely has any downtime, where does today's modern-tween-billionaire-on-the-go meet girls?

"I hope to spot my soulmate in the crowd at one of my concerts," he explained to me.  "It's hard though, because there are so many screaming girls in the audience!  But I know that if a girl really loves me, she'll scream my name EXTRA loud, so I can hear her over all the other girls who clearly don't love me enough to scream the loudest."

I wish the Bieb all the luck in the world in his search for love, but what are the chances that a girl who fits that description actually exists?

Thursday, 19 May 2011

Ronald McDonald: Remorseless Child Murderer

Hundreds of Doctors Urge Man to Wash Face for the Sake of the Children
If this man doesn't wash his face soon, millions of six-year-olds will drive themselves to McDonald's, buy Happy Meals with the money they earn from their jobs, and then DIE.

A group known as Corporate Accountability International published a letter in major US Newspapers urging McDonald's to retire their mascot Ronald McDonald, claiming that he is an aid in marketing unhealthy food to children.

In the letter - signed by nearly 600 health professionals and organisations - the group asserts that "marketing can no longer be ignored as a significant part of this massive problem."  The group would like to see Ronald McDonald - a figure most commonly associated with Happy Meals and with the award winning Ronald McDonald House Charities - removed completely from all McDonald's locations, commercials and products.  This same group succeeded in getting cigarette mascot Joe Camel banned in 1997.

A spokesperson for the group said that, when they put it to a vote, it was decided that soliciting hundreds of doctors to sign a letter, then paying thousands of dollars in advertising fees to get it printed in major papers across the USA, was more practical than the alternative: teaching parents to say "NO" to their fat little children.

First they came for the fast-food clown,
and I didn't speak out because I wasn't a fast-food clown.

Then they came for the cartoon cereal mascots,
and I didn't speak out because I wasn't a cartoon cereal mascot.

Then they came for the Pillsbury Doughboy,
and I didn't speak out because I wasn't a Pillsbury Doughboy.

Then they came for me,
and I whined and cried until my parents bought me a pony because apparently it's literally impossible not to give in to your child's every demand.

Wednesday, 13 April 2011

Sports Notes

Charl Schwartzel Tak Ho the Gre Jack at the 20 Maste Tourname
Going into Sunday of this year's Masters tournament, there were two stories which were objectively the biggest.  The first was whether Tiger Woods was "on the prowl" or "in the hunt" for his 15th major championship (most experts believe he was "on the prowl", but a few big names such as Tom Kite and Nick Faldo suggested he was actually "in the hunt").  The second was 14 year old Northern Irish golf prodigy Rory McIlroy's dominance of the field up to that point, and whether or not he would have enough time following the round to finish his science fair project for Monday morning.

The Elias Sports Bureau confirms, however, that literally no one on the planet was talking about Charl Schwartzel.  Even his parents, Abbiga and Alexand Schwartzel, were more concerned about Rory and his science fair woes.  "What are they doing having that poor boy tee off so late in the day?" Abbiga asked  "A papier mache volcano needs at least twelve hours to dry.  He'll never get it done at this rate!"  She was right, of course, as the looming deadline and pressure not to disappoint his lab partner proved too much for the 8th-grader to cope with, and he quickly fell down the leader board.  No word on his grade at the science fair.
I think this is Charl Schwartzel, but can anyone ever be truly certain?

After wasting 45 minutes interviewing a busboy named Kevin whom I thought was Charl Schwartzel (let me go on record as saying that Augusta National having their busboys wear green sportcoats seems unnecessary and confusing), I did manage to ask the real Masters champion a question about his motivation going into the back nine, and this is what he said:

"I just kept thinking about [co-leaders] Adam Scott and Luke Donald," Schwartzel told me, his eyes filling with tears of rage.  "It's just so unfair, those two guys have FOUR first names between them, and I don't even have ONE!  There was no damn way I was going to let those spoiled bastards beat me!"

Masters Notes:
-Mike Weir is bad at golf.
-An Augusta official had to be called to the 8th hole on Sunday to make a ruling when PGA veteran Angel Cabrera's caddy remarked to him that "this is a big chip coming up here," and Cabrera tried to put salsa on it.  He was penalized two strokes.

Phil Simms Fatally Stabs JCPenney Employee
CBS football analyst and former NFL quarterback Phil Simms is back in the news again.  The two time Super Bowl champion - who, last month, was linked to a series of severe indian burns given to schoolchildren suspected of calling his granddaughter a "doody-head" - was arrested Sunday afternoon following an altercation at a JCPenney in Franklin, New Jersey.

Phil Simms, capo famiglia of the Simms crime syndicate.

Eyewitness reports claim that Simms and his wife Diana were shopping at the store around 1:30pm EST, and  Mrs. Simms was experiencing difficulty with zipping up the dresses she had asked the sales associate to bring to her.

"She was stretching them frocks all out," one man (who requested that his identity be kept anonymous for fear of reprisal from the 1987 Super Bowl MVP) told us.  "She looked like a sock full of jawbreakers."

When the sales associate discretely suggested that his wife "might be more comfortable in a size nine," Simms allegedly produced a corkscrew from his jacket pocket and plunged it repeatedly into the man's chest while shouting phrases that police reports allege to have been latin.  In keeping with JCPenney's strict media policy, the name of the deceased has not been made public.

This is not the first time Simms' temper and protective nature towards his family has gotten him in hot water.  In 2006, defensive back Rashad Bauman - who is best known for his 2000 interception of Simms' son Chris while playing for the University of Oregon Ducks football team - was forced to retire from the NFL after Phil Simms broke both of his femurs with a sledgehammer.  Simms received four years probation and 200 hours of community service for his part in the attack.