Tuesday, 18 September 2012

Handle Me At My Worst

“I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.” ― Marilyn Monroe
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That quote.  That fucking quote.  We have all seen it before.  From the inside of high school locker doors to the lower back tattoos of 38 year olds still clinging to the absurd notion that real men should be like Nicholas Sparks characters (and all the Facebook statuses and campus poster sales in-between), that quote is everyfuckingwhere.  I'd take a steaming load of "dance like no one's watching" all over my face ten times out of ten rather than be reminded that you're "selfish, impatient and a little insecure..." every time you have a fight with your boyfriend/girlfriend.
Ignoring the source for a minute, let us just examine the quote, shall we?
“I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle."


Congratulations, this is wonderful news!  You have identified your faults, which is (as the cliche says) the first step towards remedying them.  I am genuinely proud of you, that is not an easy step to take.  Don't worry, I can help:
First, we can all be selfish at times (there are some who will tell you that there is absolutely nothing wrong with that), and we have all been guilty of impatiently tapping our foot when the elevator takes longer than usual to get to us.  Insecurity is nothing to be ashamed of; we live in a world where we are bombarded every minute of every day by advertisements telling us we aren't living or thinking or feeling the right way.  These are very common traits among human beings and, with a little introspection and self-improvement, your interpersonal relationships need not be sabotaged by them.
Next, making mistakes is not even a character fault!  Mistakes are to be celebrated.  They allow us to learn from and correct our behaviour so that we may live happier fuller lives that better benefit ourselves and those around us.  Do not worry that you make mistakes, just view them as learning opportunities and try not to make a habit out of the same damaging mistakes.
That last part is a bit more worrisome, but not altogether damning.  If you are out of control and hard to handle, you are not a lost cause.  It is 2012, people are now better equipped to understand such issues.  Go to your doctor and ask them to refer you to a mental health specialist who can identify the cause of your problems and talk you through the recovery process.  You are not broken, it is going to be okay.
The fact that you are cognizant of these collective behaviours means that you recognize how they are damaging your quality of life and hurting those around you.  But with a little work you can stop hurting your loved ones and...
"But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.”
Oh.
Oh, I see.
So you are 100% aware of how all these (easily rectifiable) character faults are negatively affecting the lives of your friends, family and significant others but you flat-out refuse to change.  Not only do you refuse to change, but you view it as some kind of test that people need to pass in order to experience "your best."
Kind of like how at a restaurant you are expected to eat mouthful after mouthful of human effluence in order to earn the right to order their award winning dessert.  Kind of like how Chris Brown is a great singer and an unreal dancer, and all we have to do in order to enjoy that is completely ignore how he's an unapologetic monster.  Kind of like how when you go to the movie theatre they make you sit through three hours of graphic bestiality scenes before they let you watch the film you came to see.
Hey, wait a minute!  I just remembered!  That is not how life works at all!  No one in their right mind would stand for any of that bullshit, just like no one in their right mind should stand for your childish "take it or leave it" attitude.
I have done my best to keep this gender neutral lest my point be dismissed as simple sexism, but this next part is targeted specifically at women who bring out this quote every time they face adversity in life:
It does not make you a feminist because you refuse to change the things about yourself that hurt the people around you.  This attitude does not make you a strong or independent woman.  In fact if you live by this mantra then SURPRISE, you are a horrible misogynist and your very existence is damaging to women everywhere! Yay!
You are a fucking asshole and you know it.  If every time you come face to face with that fact you hide behind this bullshit "I'm a woman, take me as I am" shield then you are simply furthering the archaic notion that women are unreasonable slaves to their emotions and men just have to deal with it to get to the creamy goodness at the centre (the implication being, it could be argued, that the "good" is sexual gratification).
Fuck you.  Change.  Being an asshole is not okay.  (Being a self-aware yet unrepentant asshole is even worse)

To cleanse your palate enjoy some pictures of people who have made a lifelong commitment to never attempting to better themselves: 
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your worst = shitty forearm tats
your best = i dunno, probably your tits or else you wouldn't have gone to the trouble of carefully positioning them into the shot
conclusion = kill yourself
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It's all there: The quote, the Chanel 5, the glamorous lights, the.. uh.. nude corpse of a fallen starlet who has apparently overdosed on those pills scattered about the vanity.  It's the total package!
I don't understand why someone decided to tattoo it on a frozen Thanksgiving turkey, though.
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When I saw this as a GIS thumbnail I thought that was a tampon string and I was so excited I nearly lost my mind.
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"If you can't handle my armpit stubble, dead tooth and shitty tattoo then you don't deserve my fake beauty mark and $15 wig..."
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Still unconvinced?  Remember at the beginning when I suggested we ignore the source of the quote for a minute to better focus on the quote itself?  Let's not do that anymore.  Let's talk Marilyn Monroe.

Marilyn Monroe was an icon; Marilyn Monroe was a legend; Marilyn Monroe was amanic depressivepill-addicted alcoholic who was committed to a mental institution.

Understand this: every time you quote Marilyn Monroe you are quoting the opiate-induced ramblings of a literal mental patient.

It might be time to re-evaluate.

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