Saturday, 21 May 2011

Justin Bieber is Ready to Settle Down

In a statement liable to crash twitter, Canadian pop sensation Justin Bieber announced today that he is breaking off his much talked about relationship with singer Selena Gomez, stating that she"just doesn't have enough posters of [him] in her bedroom," and that she was occasionally a bit of a "poopy head."

I just came.


"I want a girl who already knows every minute detail of my life,"  the 12-year-old from Stratford, Ontario told me over Chips Ahoy cookies and Kool-Aid in his grandmother's rec room.  "Like, I don't want to waste any time with the boring getting to know each other junk.  I just want to meet a girl decked out from head-to-toe in my merch, who knows every word to every one of my songs, and who tweets me no fewer than 300 times a day telling me she loves me.  Like, how else am I gonna know it's true love unless she tweets #ILoveYouJustin every 4.8 minutes, y'know?  If I could find a girl like that, I'd marry her tomorrow!"

Last November, Bieber was linked romantically to the girl pictured above, however things fell apart when she turned 13 and "got really into hardcore music like My Chemical Romance."

But the famously hardworking Bieber rarely has any downtime, where does today's modern-tween-billionaire-on-the-go meet girls?

"I hope to spot my soulmate in the crowd at one of my concerts," he explained to me.  "It's hard though, because there are so many screaming girls in the audience!  But I know that if a girl really loves me, she'll scream my name EXTRA loud, so I can hear her over all the other girls who clearly don't love me enough to scream the loudest."

I wish the Bieb all the luck in the world in his search for love, but what are the chances that a girl who fits that description actually exists?

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