Saturday, 21 May 2011

Justin Bieber is Ready to Settle Down

In a statement liable to crash twitter, Canadian pop sensation Justin Bieber announced today that he is breaking off his much talked about relationship with singer Selena Gomez, stating that she"just doesn't have enough posters of [him] in her bedroom," and that she was occasionally a bit of a "poopy head."

I just came.

"I want a girl who already knows every minute detail of my life,"  the 12-year-old from Stratford, Ontario told me over Chips Ahoy cookies and Kool-Aid in his grandmother's rec room.  "Like, I don't want to waste any time with the boring getting to know each other junk.  I just want to meet a girl decked out from head-to-toe in my merch, who knows every word to every one of my songs, and who tweets me no fewer than 300 times a day telling me she loves me.  Like, how else am I gonna know it's true love unless she tweets #ILoveYouJustin every 4.8 minutes, y'know?  If I could find a girl like that, I'd marry her tomorrow!"

Last November, Bieber was linked romantically to the girl pictured above, however things fell apart when she turned 13 and "got really into hardcore music like My Chemical Romance."

But the famously hardworking Bieber rarely has any downtime, where does today's modern-tween-billionaire-on-the-go meet girls?

"I hope to spot my soulmate in the crowd at one of my concerts," he explained to me.  "It's hard though, because there are so many screaming girls in the audience!  But I know that if a girl really loves me, she'll scream my name EXTRA loud, so I can hear her over all the other girls who clearly don't love me enough to scream the loudest."

I wish the Bieb all the luck in the world in his search for love, but what are the chances that a girl who fits that description actually exists?

Thursday, 19 May 2011

Ronald McDonald: Remorseless Child Murderer

Hundreds of Doctors Urge Man to Wash Face for the Sake of the Children
If this man doesn't wash his face soon, millions of six-year-olds will drive themselves to McDonald's, buy Happy Meals with the money they earn from their jobs, and then DIE.

A group known as Corporate Accountability International published a letter in major US Newspapers urging McDonald's to retire their mascot Ronald McDonald, claiming that he is an aid in marketing unhealthy food to children.

In the letter - signed by nearly 600 health professionals and organisations - the group asserts that "marketing can no longer be ignored as a significant part of this massive problem."  The group would like to see Ronald McDonald - a figure most commonly associated with Happy Meals and with the award winning Ronald McDonald House Charities - removed completely from all McDonald's locations, commercials and products.  This same group succeeded in getting cigarette mascot Joe Camel banned in 1997.

A spokesperson for the group said that, when they put it to a vote, it was decided that soliciting hundreds of doctors to sign a letter, then paying thousands of dollars in advertising fees to get it printed in major papers across the USA, was more practical than the alternative: teaching parents to say "NO" to their fat little children.

First they came for the fast-food clown,
and I didn't speak out because I wasn't a fast-food clown.

Then they came for the cartoon cereal mascots,
and I didn't speak out because I wasn't a cartoon cereal mascot.

Then they came for the Pillsbury Doughboy,
and I didn't speak out because I wasn't a Pillsbury Doughboy.

Then they came for me,
and I whined and cried until my parents bought me a pony because apparently it's literally impossible not to give in to your child's every demand.